Severus Snape's Sinister Sticker Escapade
by Lilly K
Summary: No matter who you are you either love him or hate him... join SNAPE, as he embarks on an adventure that will change everything... : He may find what he's looking for or he may just get trampled along the way!
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome one and all… Dr. Seuss references! Fanfic is for Snape lovers and Haters alike. If you can't stand insanity, **

**then i feel sorry for you!**

**Ch.1 NOT a morning person.**

The Potion was almost ready...

"One Fish, two fish. Red fish, blue fish." Severus read as he plopped the propper fish into the

bubbling kettle.

"All I need is a reindeer!" Prof. Snape looked around. But since reindeer are scarce,

there were none to be found. Would that stop this professor? no, he simply said.

"If I can't FIND a reindeer, I'll make one instead!" So he called over malfoy and took some pink

thread, and he tied two big horns to the top of his head.

"Oh Danggit!" He shouted, not caring that the students had stopped paying attention to his class

and started reading an odd fanfic that had just appeared online called:

Severus Snape's Sinister Sticker Escapade. "There's one more Ingredient! Stupid footnotes!"

Professor Snape pulled out his pink Hello Kitty Designer Glitter Bifocal glasses to read the

fine print of this interesting potions lesson plan that had just appeared on his desk that day.

"Dearest Doctor Octopus... Oh wait, scratch that, Professor Snape! you need one more ingredient

for this potion that will make your wildest dreams come true: Harry Potter Stickers.

Sincerely or not, you choose,

The Author.

"Dang that bloody author!" Professor snape shouted. "Why cant storybook characters like me have

even ONE NORMAL DAY without something totally funny, tradgic, Romantic, or otherwise appealing

reading material happening to us all the time!"

"Alright! I'll FIND the stickers! You'll see! and then I'll have some time to bask in my normal

days before she starts writing again."

Little did professor snape know that what was ahead was harder than he expected,

until he started reading this paragraph slowly appearing on the wall.

"Well, off to Knocturn alley!" Professor snape sang as he grabbed his pink parasol with black

letters reading 'PUNK.'

He then realized:

Even though those vending in knocturn happily distributed hoards of Hello kitty, Barbie

(A malfoy personal favorite), Bratz, and brittany spears merchandise to someone with a suitable

cash supply...

one harry potter stickers request from him and it'd be either St. Mungos, or Avada Kedavra.

Severus was puzzled, because Knocturn ally was where he shopped. The ONLY place he shopped.

The thought of diagon alley never even crossed his mind.

"AHA!" the professor congratulated himself... "I'll ask voldemort!"

Which, of course, was almost the stupidest thing he could possibly do in this situation.

But severus was totally unaware of that, not having his coffie this morning.

'All of the other times i wanted something that I couldn't find at knocturn alley,

voldemort had it.' he thought to himself as he strolled happily down the tar road that lead

elsewhere. 'My happy bunnie plush, my hello kitty bifocals, my elmo and friends first edition

watch! Man that guy has it all... but not once did I not have to give him something in return.'

"Well well severus... We havn't seen you in awile. Back for toys again?" Voldemort cackled.

"They're not toys... their COLLECTABLES!" Professor Snape pouted.

Voldermort staired down at snape's deep black shoes that said plainly: Furbies Rule.

"boy do we need to have a long talk..." voldemort whispered as he staired at the neon orange of

the letters.

"Severus, want some coffie?" Asked lucius malfoy as he handed him a christmass mug.

"Got any Harry Potter stickers voldie?"

Suddenly, Professor snape realized that he just asked an evil overlord for stickers portraying

his worst enimy. it'd be crucio at LEAST!

"Ava-" "Wait!" Severus interupted, holding up a $100 gift card to Pet Warehouse.

Voldermort snatched the card from the startled professor and hid it under his cloak...

eyes wide with happiness, mumbling something about a new parrot.

"Well well well severus, you sure know how to bargain...

you might try your luck for those stickers at the nearest muggle wal-mart.

But be careful... U-scans are viciuous creatures that don't distinguish between who they hunt,

and someone in their way.

"That sounds awfully familiar... is that from somewhere?"

"I think I read it in a book once." Voldemort sang as he turned a corner to leave.

"Wait for me! lucius screamed, running after him. "Name the parrot Yu-Gi-Oh!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch. 2 Within The Wally Walls of Wallmart.**

"Wal-Mart" -professor Snape read the Enormous white sign on the side of the building.

He started to walk in, but all of a sudden: THWAK! He bumped into the sliding glass doors.

"Magical forcefeild!" snape muttered under his breath. "Someone doesn't want me here... YOU!"

Severus turned to the writer. "You pitiful excuse for a writer! Why don't you just come down here

and let me tell you what I think of you!" He screamed. Everyone stared blankly at him.

And, she did... just to make the plot a little better.

"Hello Sevvie." Lilly K. looked slyly up at a slightly out-of-sorts professor snape.

"Why you feind! you thug! you rascal! you think you can just march yourself in front of a

computer monitor and start making my life miserable! Now you're going to hear what i REALLY think

of you... and don't you DARE go editing this out! You're a-"

But he didn't say what he was about to. Because just then, she stepped her foot onto the

automatic door opener.

"You're a GODSEND! Thank you SO MUCH for getting me through the inpenatrable barrier!"

Snape sang as he walked through the automatic door. "Now off to find those stickers!"

There they were... The harry potter stickers that Snape had worked to hard and to long to get

were within arm's reach on the end of Isle five in the plumbing section. Suddenly, a st(G)ranger

with puffy brown hair picked up the last package of stickers.

Snape snatched his wand from it's neon pink official barbie wand case. "AVADA-" he began.

"Expelliarmus!" She shouted as snape's wand fell to the floor. "Hey mommy, I found a cool stick

on the ground!" a toddler said as he tugged at snape's wand.

"Oh well..." the professor said to himself. "I forgot the rest of that incantation anyways."

Suddenly, the writer appeared to restock the stickers.

"Remind me not to complain about her anymore!" Severus remarked happily to the audience as

he snatched up the stickers and went to check out.

You readers probably think that was a little to easy... well, Severus isn't that lucky.

"Sir, your total is four hundred fifty eight dollars and ninety three cents!"

the young legally-blonde-like casheer exclaimed cheerfully.

"What's with you muggles!" snape wondered aloud. "Muggle clothes, muggle money, even muggle

MUGGLES! -gee, what's the muggle world comming to theese days? Could you just take this sickle."

Severus waved the shiny silver coin in front of the cashier.

"Well... okay! it is shiny..." she said as she pocketed it. "Now you owe us 306 more dollars.

you can pay that off by working for us until we close today." she smiled.

Thus: Chaos insued. And professor snape became an official Wal-Mart Employee.

"Now you DO understand that you don't get off on sundays, saturdays, christmas, cristmas eve,

easter, haloween, labor day, or EVER! Independance day becomes dependance day because here at

walmart, we depend on you... understand?"

A fat man smiled as he patted poor severus on the back after signing the form.

"But I'm only working for ONE DAY!" Severus reminded him. "Wrong again!" The man smiled widely.

"The contract says you work untill we close today... this is a 24-hour Wal-Mart... WE NEVER

CLOSE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Severus could see he had gotten himself into more trouble than he bargained for. and with his

wand in the hands of some four-year-old... well he didn't want to think about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ch.3. Wishing We WERN'T Within the Wally Walls of Wal-Mart.**

Severus was assigned the meanial task of restocking the makeup department.

He had just started testing one of the free sample lip glosses when he started wondering why

nothing very weird was happening to him anymore... and just when he thought life couldn't get any

worse, In strolled a smiling Remus Lupin carrying Sirius Black.

"Sir! Sir?" remus asked the tall, pale, long dark haired sinister-looking wall-mart employee

with cherry lip gloss on. Severus was PRAYING that they wouldn't recognize him with his hair in

braids.

"Yes, what do you want?" he sneered as he put on some powdered rouge. "Se- Se- SEVERUS!"

Lupin started, and black finished. "Come on remi..." Sirius sighed. "Let's just purchase the nail

polish, and go."

"No wait... Let's have some fun! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Remus laughed sinisterly.

Sirius black finally caught on.

"You're a cotton headed ninny-muggins!" Lupin teased. "What! I AM NOT!" Snape lashed back.

"Severus... the customer is ALWAYS right!" giggled his legally-blondelike supervisor as she

continued smearing on eyeshadow.

"You're a cotton headed ninny-muggins!" Lupin teased again. Severus sighed, "All right, I AM a

cotton headed ninny-muggins."

Lupin and sirius started clapping for themselves. "And now you're going to tell us your secret

crush!" Sirius black laughed out loud. "What i'd never tell you..." His supervisor waved a

dissaproving finger at him. "It's Narcissa Malfoy." he gave in.

"Now Severus, which shade of eyeshadow would make me look most atractive?" he asked, trying to

look inocent. "this is more fun than truth or dare!" he whispered to himself.

"You wouldn't look any better than you do unless you wore a LAMPSHADE!" Severus smirked.

His supervisor glared at him. "What? I'm ENCOURAGING him to buy a lamp shade!" severus whined.

"...With your complexion sir, you'll look most atractive in that shade of orrange."

It was Sirius's turn agian... "Holy smokes! Remi We're late for Tuba lessons! Aunt Claire is

gonna kill us!" He screamed as he looked at his watch. "Severus, this ISN'T over!" he yelled

backwards, then they disaperated.

"Always Remember Sevvie..." the writer apeared momentarilly to say "The customer is always

rignt!" then dissaperated.

"More like the customer is always a PSYCHO CASE!" professor snape mumbled."


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch.4 Mind tricks Extraordinaire**

The sun was setting beautifully in the sky. "Oh well..." our poor professor thought silently

"At least I can enjoy some things in this terrible, terrible new life."

Fire! Fire! Yelled a screaming Wal-mart employee.

Severus Realized that the wal-mart had suddenly caught fire. Running out as fast as he could,

he tripped over a large speed bump and fell flat on his face into a puddle of oil.

Suddenly, it occured to him that his Harry Potter stickers were still inside!

before he had time to think, he rushed back inside the violently burning wal-mart trying to grab

the stickers contrary to everything his wonderful pree-school teacher taught him about fire

safety.

His eyes widened in terror when he looked where he had left the stickers. They were missing,

and a note was in their place...

Dear Snape,

YOU COTTON HEADED NINNY-MUGGINS MUGGLE FACED NOSE IMPAIRED UGLY BUGgLY!

We lightened the load for you,

Revenge is ours,

Lupin and Black.

Snape was also very much disturbed by the fact that it was written in pink crayon...

pink was HIS favorite collor!

He tried to rush frantically out of the burning building when... THUNK!

he hit the sliding glass door.

"I'm trapped! I'm Trapped!" He screamed, but in the crackling of the flames, no one heard him.

It was growing hotter by the second. The wax of Lupin's crayon had already melted off of the

letter.

"Let me out! let me out!" he wimpered through the intense heat. "What's the magic word?"

a strage voice in his head said that sounded alot like the writer...

"Ummm... Crucio?" He struggled. The flames had almost reached the spot where he was standing.

"No you stupid! didn't you learn ANYTHING from those hoardes of Barny tapes you watch!

It's PLEASE you cotton-headed ninny muggins." She laughed "Don't call me that!" He screamed.

Just then, his pants caught fire. "Okay, okay! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE PLEASE!"

Just then, he found himself lying in a farmers field, the fire nowhere in sight, and a tent with

a campfire and some tiny sausages. Severus loved tiny sausages.

After he ate, he found himself very tired. He lay down to sleep in the pale pink sleeping bag

next to the psychadellic yellow one, and the vivid orange one.

Severus woke up the next morning in exactly the same spot he went to sleep... however,

something was diffrent. He realized what was diffrent when he saw another two of him,

lying fast asleep in the other sleeping bags. The other two Snapes started to stir,

and soon sat up. One of them was smiling, and the other tried to cover the smile.

Severus didn't know which was stranger: that there were suddenly three of him, or that his head

felt like someone had ripped out some of his hair.

"Who are you?" asked snape no.2

"I Am severus allan snape! who are you two?" said the real snape

"Not again..." Said no.3

"What do you mean?" the real snape asked.

"Well one thing worse than being schitzophrenic is waking up and not remembering that you are

isn't it!" Finished No.3

"You see..." started the second "I'm the happy snape, he's the sad snape, and you're the angry

snape!" he smiled.

"I AM NOT!" Snape yelled. "Is this some kind of a trick?"

"There you go getting angry again!" sobbed Snape 3.

"There there professors, let's all just make up and have some sausages."

"Wait a second..." whispered the real snape "I KNOW there's only one of me... and if there WAS

more than one of me, they'd know there was only one of me too, because they'd be me!

But then again if there really were three of me, than all three of me would probably know that

there were three of me... wouldn't we? I mean, wouldn't I? Oh crap, i'm confusing myselves!

"i guess I'll just have to go with my hunch on this one...

I could live with three of me... three times the points from gryffindor!"

"Hey me! what about those sausages!"

But then snape noticed something odd about the other two of him, one's hair was growing longer

and getting lighter in color... the other's hair was slowly dissapearing.

These wern't him at all!

"Drat... the polyjuice potion ran out!" sulked voldemort. "And we just started having fun!"

Yelled lucius malfoy. "What are you two doing here!" Snape asked in bewilderment.

"This is my tent! I live here" smiled Malfoy "Do you like it?"

"Where do Draco and Narcissa Live?" Snape asked suddenly "Oh, in a cardboard box..."

lucius said quietly.

"This... THIS is MALFOY MANNOR!" Severus smirked. "Well how else could we afford all that fancy

stuff we wear... and tickets to the quidditch cup don't come cheap you know!"

Lucius defended himself.

"But why is voldemort here?" Severus asked, eyes narrowed. "Because I smelled tiny sausages."

Voldy smirked. "How can you smell, you don't even have a real nose?" Lucius asked, bewildered.

"I smell with my feet." Voldemort stated naturally, as if it was the most normal thing in the

world.

"Ewww!" lucius shreiked. "Three words! GET PLASTIC SURGERY!"

"But my bottom is just fine the way it is! I was telling wormtail that I am perfectly-"

Voldemort tried to say.

"He means NOSE surgery master!" Severus giggled.

"O- Oh..." Voldy stammered "I-I knew That!"

"Well now that were all here, let's apperate somewhere fun!" he Suggested.

"But were not alowed to apperate on hogwarts grounds!" Lucius sighed.

Severus slapped him. "We're not on hogwarts grounds!"

"I know..." lucius snickered "I just think that sounds cool. If i ever make a school named

hogwarts that's gonna be my first and only rule!"

"So people can run naked, skip class whenever, never go to bed, and get as drunk as they please

at your school malfoy, but they can't apperate onto the grounds?"

Voldemort asked, seeming genuinely interested.

"If that's what they want!" Lucius smiled. "Where do i sign up!" severus said sarcastically.

"I'll sign up too!" Said voldemort seriously.


End file.
